One does not simply walk into Mordor.
– Boromir, The Fellowship of the Ring.
No Boromir, one does not, and if one did the book wouldn’t be over one thousand pages and the films wouldn’t take over 9 hours to watch.
The Lord of the Rings is really really long. It’s longer than hair, longer than the Nile River, longer than toenails, longer than the time it took Sam to marry me, longer than the time it will take Sam to forgive me for joking about that.
And for the past few months it sort of consumed me with its epicness, and amazingly like Frodo and Samwise headed to Mordor, I didn’t quit. I actually finished the megaladon of a book pictured below.
I found a very scruffy copy of the Lord of the Rings in the Barn with pages ripped, the spine broken and tape holding it together. For two months I hauled this brick around with me to town and to the top of Mount Lajuma when radio tracking until I finished. Overall book rating: pretty good. I liked it more than I thought I would.
For a long time now I’ve wanted to rewatch the LotR films and do it back to back. I would only allow myself this indulgence once I’d finished the books so I kept reading the brick. Only yesterday, about a month after my brick reading finished, did Sam and I have a free day to finally watch the films.
Here are my hobbity feet in the sun on May 20th, LotR day.
We made a nest in our bed and began viewing at about 8:30. The viewing finished about 18:00. Epic!
LotR day was also accompanied by Middle Earthish snacks. We ate like fast food hobbits. Breakfast was Doritos and dip. Second breakfast was gummy strawberries. Elevensies was nougat. Lunch was banana. Dinner and supper were Amarula straight from the bottle.
We decided the following things about LotR:
1) There are a hell of a lot of bromances in LotR – Samwise and Frodo, Gimli and Legolas, Merry and Pippin. Only Aragorn seemed immune but instead he just wooed the ladies all over the show!
2) Gimli is kind of like Scrappy Doo. He was like ‘let me at them orcs, let me at them’. Small, enthusiastic and maybe not as tough as he thought.
3) JRR Tolkien made his two baddies – Sauron and Saruman have stupidly similar names. Don’t do that.
4) Our films didn’t have any subtitles so every time the characters slipped in Elvish, it sounded a lot like when people just start speaking Afrikaans here. We decided that is probably what Elvish is. Also the elephants were called oliphants, an Afrikaans name, thus further proof…somehow.
5) What exactly are wizards? Are they from the realm of men or elves or what? And what was with Gandalf’s resurrection? Felt a bit too Jesusy.
6) The orcs being ‘born’ reminded of us leopard trapping where you have to open up the foetus sack to release the creature inside.
7) Hobbit children are super cute with their big eyes and curly hair. Well only I decided that.
Here’s Sam watching hobbit love in a foetal position like a newborn orc (but much better looking!).
So ultimately we kinda wasted a whole day in bed with movies and junk food but I still feel a sense of accomplishment, like I can make a big tick off my life list hence the reason this is worthy of a blog post.